I was only sixteen years old when I was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder. It wasn’t long before visiting a psychologist that I tried to commit suicide… twice. Somehow, I failed both attempts, but looking back now I could not be more grateful to be alive and well.

It was during my second semester of sophomore year of high school. I struggled with finding a stable group of friends, my self-confidence was at an all-time low, and my physical health was slowly deteriorating after spending a week in the hospital. I felt alone and worthless. As if I didn’t matter to anyone, and I was so tired of trying to stay positive when nothing was going right. My mind kept telling me I didn’t have a purpose to live anymore, that I should just end it all. With one click of the garage door opener, I tried to commit suicide through carbon monoxide poisoning. When I failed to do so the first time, I tried again a few months later. Clearly, that attempt was a failure as well.

The journey after the second time I tried to kill myself was full of ups and downs. But three years later, I can say I have fully recovered. I have come to the realization that there is absolutely nothing to end your life over. Sure, bad things happen in our life and sometimes we don’t know how to handle them, but I’m here to tell you self-harm is not the answer. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that everything happens for a reason… everything. While the events that happened during my sophomore year of high school were traumatic and devastating, my journey has shaped me into the person I am today. I have learned that I cannot control every aspect of my life, and that’s completely okay! Through my healing process, I came to the understanding that God has a plan for everyone, and you just have to trust Him and His process. Sometimes things happen to you and you may ask yourself, “Why me? Why is this happening to me?” Even though you may not fully understand the occurrences in your life, it’s essential that you understand there is a purpose, and at the end of it all, everything will fall into place.

While I don’t wish depression or suicide on anybody, I am grateful for the person I have become because of what I went through three years ago. By learning my strengths through my psychology sessions and using them to my advantage, I have maximized my quality of life. Looking back at the darkest time of my life, I now understand why God put me through one of the most tragic things a teenager can go through. He knew I could handle it, and that I would become a stronger individual.

Through my recovery of depression and suicidal experiences, I became motivated to be the best version of myself. I started to push myself more in every aspect of my life, including school, lacrosse, and social activities. By being an inspiration for myself, I improved the way I interpreted life and became in tune with my own happiness. Through the coping mechanisms my psychologist taught me, I became a better student, daughter, teammate, and friend, which ultimately led to me currently living my best life.
Now, I am a freshman at the University of Florida. I joined a sorority and have met some of the most amazing people who inspire me every day to live life to the fullest. Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days and get emotional over little things, but the difference is now I am much stronger mentally to where I understand how to cope with the bad days and appreciate the good days. My experiences have encouraged me to take college-level psychology classes in hopes of becoming a psychology major and eventually a child psychologist to help those who need it most. I want those who are struggling with a mental illness to know they are not alone; that there is always someone to talk to; that there is a purpose to live.

I hope whoever is reading this letter is inspired by my story. You are worth more than your darkness, and you are valuable because you exist. The purpose of this beautiful thing we call “life” is to soar, stumble, and flourish as we fall into love with existence. Sometimes good things fall apart for better things to come and trust me when I say the “better” is greater than you could ever imagine.

Love, Sydney, a UF Student